Giving Thanks

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and we are continuing our family tradition of staying home by ourselves, watching the parade, eating fabulous food and trying not to leave the house at all or change out of our flannels.
This year I am giving thanks for you, again. I feel so happy and grateful that I have you Wyatt, you have brought so much joy into my life, so much love, so much meaning. I am thankful that you are a happy healthy and loving person. You make me the luckiest person on earth, and I never forget it.
I started another journal for you Wyatt, a hand written one that I think is more personal, plus I find I write more often in that one, so I am glad to have it for you. I think because my Dad died when I was young and I barely knew him, plus the fact that I had you so much later in life makes me afraid, well afraid I am going to die and leave you. This is a very real fear and it really does worry me quite a bit. I try not to waste time on worry and instead I try to focus on enjoying our time together and making sure you know how much I love you. And I sure do love you.

3-day Breast Cancer walk

This is my letter to my sponsors...

First let me say this because I want to shout it off the roof tops; if you have an opportunity to do a 3 day walk, do it. You will always remember and cherish the 3 days like none other. Secondly, if you don't ever have the opportunity to do a 3 day, find the one nearest you and go out and cheer the walkers on, even if only for an hour. The crowds made some of the most unbearable parts, well, wonderful.
Now onto the details of my walk. We woke up the first day @ 4:30 AM in order to get organized, packed and catch a shuttle bus to the event from the hotel. It was a beautiful day and we watched the sun rise as we waited for the opening ceremonies. After a moving and inspirational group stretch and a reminder of what we all were doing there @ the 3 day, we started our walk. Day 1 was very, very hot, 95 degrees in fact but it didn't dampen anyone's spirit. In fact for me it did the opposite, it made even more people come out of their homes to see what they could do to help, sprinklers, hoses and firehouses on alert cooled down the walkers and lifted my spirits to see how much support others gave. This morning was the only time I ran into a person I knew who was also doing the walk, my cousin Chris, her best friend is also a breast cancer survivor. They did the walk last year, but, decided to crew this year. After I saw her I assumed I would see her a hundred times, I didn't see her again, but, I was so glad I saw her at all. We walked very slowly that morning careful to stretch and elevate our legs against tress, or in one case, by doing headstands. It was a day full of firsts, first cheering crowd, first pit stop, first grab 'n go and first blister. When we finally got to lunch we sat in the shade and I appreciated that resting period more than any other in my life. I walked for another 4 miles after lunch and then got on a sweeper van, walker parlance for "got swept". I have no shame about this oddly, I was in pain and I couldn't walk anymore, so I didn't. The sweeper van was yet another heart warming and exceptional experience. The crew of the van treated me like their injured Queen. Having left the group I did feel bad but the van was a positive experience all around. I genuinely love those women and I have no idea who they are or what their names are anymore.
I got back to camp a few hours before some of the Red Footed Boobies but there were 3 fast walkers already in camp. I was very impressed with the camp despite all of the missing conveniences of modern life. It was cushy camping if anything. I have never been given clean towels or had my bags carried for me on a camping trip before. We put up my tent and I dug through my suitcase for clean, dry & cool clothing. The mobile showers are hard to describe, actually impossible to describe, but, let's just say after walking for 7 hours in the heat any shower would be great, and it was great. After showering I relaxed around the tents for a while and tried to read, but, there was so much to watch and soon the rest of the team made their way back to camp. The dinner was yet another example of how good the organizers and crew of this event are - it was really pretty good. This dinner is when Liz and I met up with an old Stoneleigh Burnham alumni, Jane, she was a welcome addition to our team from that moment on. After dinner, it was time for bed. We were just too tired to do anything else but sleep.
It never gets totally dark in camp because there is always some crew doing something 24 hours a day. I woke up early on day 2 as I always do, and walked across the camp to the meal tent for coffee for myself and however many more I could carry back. It was a beautiful walk - and you would be surprised how far a walk it was all things considered - but beautiful nonetheless. The rest of the team was moving when I got back and we eventually made our way to the start of the walk at around 7 AM. The walk started out in the woods, my ideal place for a walk. It was a nice change of pace and the perfect setting for the start of the second day. This day was hot as well, but, again this didn't dampen anyone spirits. Walkers were singing and chatting. I have never been in an environment before in which it was so easy to start a conversation with a stranger. I talked to so many people, some I heard their life stories and some we chatted briefly, but, every conversation was meaningful, every one helped you walk further and every one meant something. This day we did not walk very slowly and stretch and elevate often. I had blisters and pains and aches and wanted to just get where we were going - to me that was the next pit stop. We did stretch some but not nearly as much as the day before. I made it the same distance on the second day as the first, 14 miles. This day Liz's sister Jen met us to cheer us on, a very selfless thing to do considering the fact that we didn't think we would really get to see her. Alas, Jen became my personal sweeper bus. After 14 miles my teammate, Jane, and I got into Jen's car and off we went. Our first stop was at a local bodega for some lunch for Jen and some cold beer for Jane and me. That was the best beer I have ever had in my life. After this refreshing pit stop we headed to camp. I wanted Jen to have a chance to see the camp and on a wing and a prayer we were able to get Jen a visitor pass - no small feat. We showed Jen around camp and then showered. Then we waited for the rest of the Red Footed Boobies to walk into camp. And then we waited some more. 3 hours later they came in and we were able to wait in the shower line for them - what a relief to get back to camp and be able to shower quickly. My understanding is that the line itself wasn't bad, it was another opportunity to meet other walkers and get to know them, but, a shower was a relief from the heat and it also meant dinner sooner. We had dinner as a team with Jen that night. Like everything else, they got dinner right, it was excellent.
The last day I woke up @ 3:45 and never fell back to sleep. This was Liz's 40th birthday, so a very exciting day. I went to the meal tent got a cup of coffee and sat down to write her birthday card. I was glad I waited until into the walk to do this, because it was a very important part of her birthday, it was her birthday party and it was the best birthday party I have ever been to. I sat crying like a fool writing her card and nobody gave me a second look - that's another thing you could cry anytime and nobody thought it odd. I finished my card, got all the coffee I could carry and headed back to camp. We packed up our tents and luggage and met up with the rest of the team for another day of walking. We took some team photos, sang the first of a few Happy Birthdays and off we went for our last day. The temperature was much more comfortable and although our feet collectively hurt very much, we trudged along. This day Liz's brother Rob came to cheer us on. He flew from North Carolina for the day, again with no idea whether he would really see us, another very special thing to do. This walk started out in the woods too, the same beautiful woods with beautiful views. I knew I wasn't long for this walk at this point and if we hadn't been in the woods without sweeper vans I probably would have hopped on one sooner. After about 4 miles I got on a sweeper van and got swept to the cheering area - what an emotional and fun place that was! I was so glad to experience this area, and to take my shoes off and limp around in flip-flops. I met up with Jen and Rob and we tailed the team, Rob walked with them for a while and I rode with Jen. We all had lunch together at the walk lunch area and then set off again. I joined the team again at the last pit stop, 2.3 miles from the end. Even though I had a break and rested my feet it hurt tremendously to take each step. My right little toe was one big blister with blisters underneath and since I have no pain tolerance at all, I also had foot pain and calf pain that was really hard to tolerate. It was the last few miles though and I made it.
And I am so glad I did because the finish line was the best part other than the fellowship of all the people. It was of course much longer than we thought, but we made it the last leg to the Expo center. Here there were the most numerous cheering crowds we had experienced, all lined up outside the Expo center. We followed along and found ourselves in the holding area of the Expo center being cheered on by all the crew, walkers and staff of the walk. Wow, what a rush, we all huddled together back in our Red Footed Boobies Team and walked the last length together with our Red Footed Boobies bandanas tied together in front of us. What a moment. This was such an emotional time for us, walking together to the end as a team who raised money and awareness and actually did something to try to help find a cure for this terrible disease, and as a team with two breast cancer survivors. After we crossed the finish line we received our 3 day t-shirts - white for walkers, pink for survivors - and then joined the crowd to cheer on the rest of the walkers finishing the walk. This part was even better then crossing the finish line myself. I cried on and off as teams finished, individuals finished, survivors finished and those who lost loved ones finished. It was very emotional and exhilarating at the same time. If I could transport back to any one moment of the walk, it would be back to the holding area to cheer on other walkers.
So thank you to all of you for supporting my efforts to walk, by donating to me or my teammates. I could never thank you enough for making my walk possible, and you can't walk without a minimum of donations, so YOU really did make this walk possible for me, and I appreciate it because my life will never be the same. This was the most awesome experience of my life other than the birth of my son. And it is a very close second.

Two years old.

Wyatt you turn two on Saturday and I can’t believe it. It feels like yesterday you were just a little peanut in my arms. You look like such a little man now. You and Dad are very close and you are favoring him a bit lately, but, that’s ok with me because I know you go back and forth, and I also know that when you are in need, you always reach for me.
We are having a small party for you Friday night, with Dina, Dave & Dylan and your Nanny Chris and some of her kids. Chris’ husband died a week ago very suddenly. He was 37, Chris is crushed and we are hoping you and Dylan can bring some light into her life. I really hope you don’t pull away from her and instead pull out all the stops.
Life around the house has been fun, it is exhausting to chase you around all day, but, the absolute most wonderful thing in the world. Even when you have a temper tantrum, and you do whenever you can’t have your way. The tantrums don’t last long and they aren’t that bad actually, but, you can let everyone know when you aren’t happy. Your vocabulary gets bigger everyday and it’ so fun to hear your new words, shoes, dog, watermelon, strawberry.
Well we had the party for you Friday and you had a ball! You got some great gifts and loved your Elmo themed party. You did all the right things with Nanny Chris and the girls. As usual you ate your birthday cake with gusto. On Saturday we went to Cousin Stacey’s fourth of July party and you got to see your cousins you don’t see very often and Granny and everyone else. You swam in the pool and played in the sandbox and spent time in the swing with Uncle Joe – a great time was had by all.
It’s amazing to me still how much I love you, how absolutely in love with you I am and how happy I am to see you no matter what time it is, no matter what mood I am, no matter how early it is. Wyatt my dear sweet son, I love you so much and will never be able to thank you enough for all you have given to me.

Separation anxiety

Actually this post isn't about you having separation anxiety Wyatt, it's about me having it because your Dad and I are separating. Since I can speak freely here and now, I can tell you in summary, it's because your father is a pathological liar. To be fair it's more than that of course, perhaps I didn't love him enough or I would deal with his inability to be honest. The thing is, since I come from such a disjointed family, most of which have let me down terribly, I am hurt more than most would be by his actions. It's the curse of a small family, you count on each individual member even more because it's all you have. Or had.
My biggest concern is time away from you Wyatt. Although I like a break now and then, spending days and days apart and weekends regularly will be the single most painful thing I have ever done in my life. Considering all the pain I have managed to pack into my 38 years, that is quite a statement. But enough of the pity party I sense I am throwing here.
Here's the good news, I will be a very happy person away from your Dad. Your Dad may be able to find someone he can be honest with and then he will be a very happy person as well. You may find in your life that you end up with 4 parents if you ever have step parents, this can be a fabulous thing, the more people you have to protect you and love you in life, the easier your path will be.
I honestly never wanted this for you in life, who does? I would have married your Dad even though I don't think I felt 100% like I should. I would have been faithful and trustworthy. I would have worked, organized and planned enough for us to have a stable and happy life. Unfortunately though, it takes trust on my part to even think about these things. And it's gone. So when you're older and you ask yourself this question: Did they really try to make it work? Know that this is the answer, without mutual trust absolutely nothing works. I tried to make it work the year following the first huge lie, but, when I learned the second huge lie a year later, I knew I tried to make it work, but, had failed.
Most of all I want you to know that I am so sorry, so terribly sorry. I know we won't be sad, but, we also won't be a family anymore and there is reason to be sorry for that.

Moved to tears

Twinkle Toes, Smarty Pants, Pookie, Sweetheart, Nukis Pain in the Tukis
Wow. You are into everything now with gusto, and are proudly displaying an independent streak that prevents your parents from taking anything out of your hands without great protest. Your fake cry though needs a lot of work. We have been spending a lot of time together as a family through this winter and enjoying it thoroughly. These days you fall asleep on weekdays by 7 which means we don’t get much time together during the week, 2 hours in the AM and almost 2 hours at night. We really try to make up for it on the weekends. These days you watch Sesame Street in the morning laying on your Spiderman couch with a pillow, blanket and a sippy cup. Never in my life have I seen such a wonderful and sweet thing. My favorite time of day with you during the week is right before bedtime, you get all riled up and run around the house in your pajamas wanting to be chased or chasing us. You love to be surprised with a big BOO! From around a corner or even a not very well concealed hiding spot. Since the weather has changed you have been spending time outside with us at night and love to run up and down the sidewalk with a stick, pinecone or whatever else you can find. If we put you anywhere else you run right back to the sidewalk. I sincerely hope you aren’t going to dislike mud, grass and dirt because we have a lot of it and not much sidewalk. It is very cute to watch you doing these new things. Actually it is very cute to watch you do anything at all, and I find myself moved to tears often just from watching you happily do anything. I really had no idea how much I would love a child or I would have had you a very long time ago. I know it must sound dorky or ridiculous that I am moved to tears but it happens often.

Christmas 2006

We had another perfect Christmas together as a family. Christmas Eve we spent at Aunt Suzanne and Uncle Tony’s with Katie, Granny, Uncle Jim, Aunt Karen and Graham and Kevin. Wyatt was a star, of course, happy and happy to see everyone. We had a nice dinner and soon it was time for Wyatt to go to sleep – there were suggestions to put him down somewhere (?) there, but, our plan was to bring him home to bed when he was ready and he was ready around 7:30, so off we went. We did the Santa Clause thing, I absolutely love it, it is one of life’s greatest pleasures for me. I guess I want it to be memorable for Wyatt, and I want him to have all the things I didn’t have. We had an awesome family day on Christmas lounging around with each other, eating overnight French toast and hash brown casserole and watching Uncle Buck and football. Wyatt and I took a 3 hour nap! Tom did an awesome job of gift getting this year and really spoiled me – MAN I deserved it after all the other years of disappointment!!! – and he also got some great things for Wyatt. Wyatt’s big gifts were a sled a drum full of musical instruments and lots of pajamas, he also received way too many other things from Santa and of course, from his many admirers. I really get choked up thinking about this Christmas, I just hope we can have many more holidays as the happy family we are. Life is good.

Your birth story

Your birth story begins on July 6th, 2005. Dad and I were at a regular appointment two weeks before your due date of July 21st. I had gained a lot of weight while pregnant and my blood pressure was high, so we were closely monitored. At this appointment Dr. Balica decided to feel Mom’s cervix for the first time to see if everything was progressing as expected. When the Dr tried to do this it hurt quite a bit and he knew right away what it meant, you was upside down in a breech position. The Dr. did an ultrasound to make sure, and there you were Wyatt, upside down hanging out in no hurry to leave Mom’s womb.
The decision was made to schedule a C-section, but as everyone watched the monitor we were hooked up to, they began to think you might be in a big hurry to meet us after all, even if you were upside down. The Dr. wanted us to be monitored for a bit more and he left. After a while a nurse relayed some information about our condition to the Dr. and she came back and told us some very scary words; go home and pack your bags and come back to the hospital tonight. Dad and Mom’s stomach dropped because neither of us woke up that morning thinking we were having a baby that week, never mind that day.
The nurse calmed us and told us we were not likely to have the baby that night, but, since the contractions were fairly regular, we should be monitored a bit more. She told us to go home, relax a few hours, have some dinner and come back later prepared to stay, just in case. We drove home and on the way stopped at Mc Donald’s. I was so nervous I couldn’t eat anything. We went home and I finished packing up all the things for the hospital and then I lay in bed and thought about meeting Wyatt and tried to focus on that instead of the method by which he would arrive. In truth, I wasn’t at all concerned about having a C-section instead of a natural birth, a flag waving pain freak and nervous Nellie, the idea of surgery instead didn’t sound like such a bad idea. We stayed home from about 4:00 until we went to the hospital around 6:30.
We arrived at the hospital and were put back on the monitor. The Dr. finally came and spoke with us discussed our options and the risks associated with them all. The decision was made to schedule a C-section in a few more days, but, as the Dr. watched the monitor he was concerned that my contractions were very regular and fairly strong. He sent us home for the night but asked that we come back in the morning so we could be monitored again. The last thing he discussed with us was that if Mom’s water broke to hurry and come in because we wouldn’t want a prolapsed umbilical. That is a very scary complication that occurs to women who are breech and it set me up to worry A LOT. We went home and I lay down and I relaxed more than I have ever relaxed in my life, I barely moved a muscle trying to thwart off any movement that could cause my water to break.
It was a long night but on Thursday July 7, 2005 Mom woke up and felt fine. Trying to convince herself that birth wouldn’t happen today Mom busied herself with getting ready for the Dr appointment. Mom and Dad packed up the car with everything we needed for the hospital and went to the Dr appointment. The Dr checked Mom and observed that we were ready to give birth and labor was progressing. Today was the day! We discussed the option of waiting because Mom was SO afraid. Waiting made no sense and wasn’t an option, Wyattella was on the way. We checked in at the hospital at around 10 and had a cesarean section planned for 3:30. Mom was hooked up to monitors and got in bed and signed her and her baby’s life away. Dad went home to do a million things since we really weren’t ready to give birth that day or even that week, this was 14 days before your due date. The time was delayed and it was not easy for me to sit and wait for surgery all day. As excited as I was to meet my baby, needles and operating rooms caused much anxiety. But the time soon arrived. The Dr. came to let us know and I got up and said, I think the baby turned around, and, sure enough, Wyatt was no longer breech.
We then had to decide all over again what to do. There was a possibility of inducing Mom but there was a concern that you could have flipped again and we would end up doing a c-section anyway. After a discussion between Mom, Dad and the Doctor, the Doctor gave us a few minutes to decide. We decided to go ahead with the c-section and have our baby safely without any major trauma for Mom or baby.
I walked down to the OR, taking each step with; confidence that we made the right decision, complete and utter terror and fear about surgery and palpable excitement and joy about meeting our new beautiful baby.
Mom had an epidural and soon the incision was made. At 6:56 PM the anesthesiologist said the words I knew I would hear, “It’s a boy!.” As Dad described, Dr. Balica tossed you onto the warming table for the nurses to attend to you and within 25 seconds I heard your sweet, perfect and gorgeous little cry. This is when I understood love the most in my life. You were brought over to me wrapped in blankets and I gave you a kiss on your beautiful face and since you were crying, told you not to worry, Mom’s here.
You were healthy and your lungs were in good condition considering the fact that you hadn’t had the liquid squeezed out of your lungs on a trip down the birth canal. You and Dad and the nurses went to the nursery for weighing and all manner of new baby checks. Mom had the rest of her operation and we all joined together again in the recovery room about an hour later.
It was such an incredible feeling to hold you again, we took some more family photos of the 3 of us and then we began our journey into breastfeeding. I am sure you don’t want to hear about that, so I will spare you the details, but, I will say we were a great team and it was the second most amazing experience of my life, the first of course, was the minute you entered this world, my amazing and beautiful son.